The ritual of sleep

Do you every feel as if you are undergoing some sort of initiation, rituals which, if you pass, will take you to the next level of your development as a human being?

I’m at that point right now. Knowing deep down that I can somehow make it, but having trouble finding the will to want to make it.

Today is day something of my cleanse. 16? 17? I have lost count. All I know is that Tuesday is my last day, and then I will start incorporating — slowly, oh, so slowly — grains, dairy, and other foods back into my life again.

The problem is, on a cleanse, you are supposed to rest, because you naturally feel tired when your body and psyche are cleaning house and getting rid of all that old stuff that doesn’t belong there anymore.

At the beginning of the cleanse I felt a bit like Wonder Woman, with a will of steel. (OK, except on that day I was being chased by a large piece of dark chocolate.) Now my will falters as my energy falters. My patience is faltering. Life is simply getting in the way.

Sleep deprivation is the worst sort of initiation there is, don’t you think? The last two nights I have been wakened at obscene hours by my children. I am used to waking in the night because of them, but the last two nights have been particularly difficult. On Wednesday night, Nadia woke at 3am crying with a fever and stomachache, and I spent the rest of the night (morning?) comforting her and doing energy work to alleviate the nausea so that she could finally fall asleep again around 6:30. Then this morning, after not getting to bed until 11, Luke woke me up at 5:00 with his tossing and turning and snoring.

I know. I should have gotten up to take advantage of being awake to do yoga. But instead, I went and tried to sleep in Nadia’s bed (since she was again in our bed), though as you probably know, falling back asleep for 20 minutes seldom does anyone any good. It actually made me feel worse. The will, however, was simply lacking. My brain said, “get up,” and my body said, “I don’t think so.”

Right now I can feel the pressure beginning to mount again, the pressure of wanting to just sleep dammit, the pressure of having all this studying to do, of needing to move and do yoga, of mama-guilt, of wife-guilt, of needing to see more clients so we don’t bounce the rent check, and yet the tools I need to release the pressure are simply not available. Is this part of the initiation, to teach myself how to dig even deeper to find the light and love that are the whole reason for being?


About Jennifer Schmid, MSN, RN, CNL

Founder and owner of Oasis Wellness, Jennifer Schmid, MSN, RN, CNL, is a holistic nurse and natural wellness educator who is passionate about helping people get healthy naturally. With degrees in both nursing and naturopathy, Jennifer successfully bridges the gap between conventional and alternative medicine, understands when each is appropriate, and advocates for her clientsโ€™ health care freedom.
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4 Responses to The ritual of sleep

  1. ramona says:

    I’m just wondering when you’re going to stop torturing yourself….you’re trying to do more than any one person can reasonably do in such a short period of time…where’s the fire???

    And, as a dear old prophet once said, “The orphans of the world are not going to be saved because people start doing yoga.”

    Be a little kinder to yourself, please…otherwise you won’t be able to be kind to anyone else….

    • capalove says:

      Ah, dear Ramona, I appreciate your concern.

      So, I am doing the cleanse for several reasons, mostly because I need to clean up this body of mine. How can I teach people how to do it if I don’t set the example?

      I also have a calling to find my strength — physical AND philosophical — for that which is coming in preparation of 2012. I can’t explain it, but Heather had the exact same intuition the same day that I did, so I believe there is much truth to it. I have to find the strength to lead my children through all the difficulties that may come, especially for those who choose to live as we do (no vax, raw milk, etc.), before we emerge on the other side.

      Yoga helps me do this, because it stops me and helps me settle. It helps me tune out the fights that constantly erupt from my children, and it gives me stamina. Eurythmy would be great too, but it’s not available to me as an outlet.

      I know you don’t agree with me for going back to school, but I have my reasons for that, too. Although the time it requires is hard on the family, so would it be hard on the family for me to feel stifled as a stay-at-home mom. My life is about giving to others beyond the children and Mark-Daniel. It is about finding the light and sharing it with others. I would not find that here.

  2. Olesya says:

    Oh, Jennifer!
    I admire your strength, so much!
    I have been to school and we do cleansing now, but I would never think of combining those two, because it was just beyond my abilities. I do deal with consequence now ๐Ÿ™‚
    You know, I wanted to share with you some silly meditation that we do with the kids before sleep.
    I imagine myself on a float, in the middle of river or ocean. I don’t know where I am taken. The sun shines, weather is very good and nature is beautiful around me. I feel there is a little shine in my chest, which is like little sun. It shines through me and eventually connects with the sun. And then everything becomes joy, and my tired body along with my tired head is just like a very thing membrane, and shine, golden light is everywhere, inside and out. When you feel connected to the world, it is so much easier to go through all the difficulties. This is what I think is important – to feel, to be connected with the world.
    I thought of this little meditation to help the lids to fall asleep and to help explain them what it means to be part of the world. It does help me, too… Helps me with GAPS, helps with adjustment… Helps me fall asleep ๐Ÿ™‚
    I hope my thoughts can help you. I know how difficult it is to be in school while being mom and doing everything you do ๐Ÿ™‚

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